Don't Fear the Reaper
by Diagon Alley1
Summary: Pansy ... er... has some rather violent thoughts. She is trying to deal with her and Draco's breakup. Rated R for twisted thoughts and suicide. And language.


Title: Don't Fear the Reaper  
  
By: Hermione's Dark Angel  
  
Email: invader_gaz_o@yahoo.com  
  
Category: depression, suicide, P/D, G/D   
  
Rating: R for…psychotic issues and serious depression  
  
Summary: Pansy Parkinson sinks into a depression when Draco breaks up with her…for Ginny Weasley. A songfic.  
  
Spoilers/Time span: Er…all four books have happened. I guess. Story takes place in Pansy's fifth year.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story is very…er…disturbing and may not be suitable for children under thirteen. I was not in the best mood when I wrote this.   
  
Disclaimer: Pansy Parkinson, Draco Malfoy, Ginny Weasley and the other characters in the Harry Potter books do no belong to me. They belong to J. K. Rowling as well as Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc.  
  
Don't Fear the Reaper  
Beverly Marsh  
November, 2001  
  
All our times have come. Here, but now they're gone.   
Seasons don't fear the reaper, nor do the wind, or the sun and the rain.   
We can be like they are.   
Come on baby, don't fear the reaper.  
  
  
Pansy Parkinson sat in the Slytherin common room, completely and utterly numb. She stared dully at the fire, not really seeing it. She saw Draco's face, smiling tenderly at that bitch Ginny Weasley. Pansy scowled; just thinking of Ginny made her want to hurt the stupid Muggle loving bitch. Hurt that plain, poor little fuck as best she could. She'd stolen Draco from her, taken the only person that had ever meant anything to her, that had made her a whole person.   
  
Her face twisted in a sneer and she saw herself rising from this chair by the fire and leaving the common room. Ginny would be eating dinner right now, with everyone else, and Pansy saw herself walking right up to the Gryffindor table, grabbing Ginny's head and twisting her neck in a complete circle.   
  
Draco and Pansy had dated since their third year and in those two years, Pansy had been happy, and happiness was not common in Pansy Parkinson.  
  
  
When Pansy was six, her father had gotten drunk one night and beat her mother to nearly an inch of death. Her mother, being weak and stupid, had stayed with her father.  
  
When Pansy was eight, Adrian Parkinson had called her into his room and they had played "Doctor".  
  
Pansy got her Hogwarts letter at eleven, but found that at the school, no one was really worth her time. Except for Draco, of course.  
  
When Pansy was twelve, Pansy's mother, Alysa, had died for reasons that went unknown. And Pansy was left alone in her house with her "Doctor" playing father.   
  
And then Pansy had found Draco in her third year and they had begun dating. Pansy had let herself be happy for the first time in her life, since the Hogwarts letter.  
  
But now that was all gone. Draco had tired of her and had therefore discovered Ginny Weasley. Pansy scowled, looking into the fire again. In it, she saw Ginny sitting by herself. She saw herself come up from behind Ginny and hold up a butcher knife to that stupid whore's back. Pansy brought the knife down again and again, until Ginny was dead; mutilated beyond recognition, with blood flowing from her and…other liquids flowing, and Pansy was tired.   
  
  
  
All our times have come. Here but now they're gone.  
Seasons don't fear the reaper, nor do the wind, or the sun and the rain.   
We can be like they are.   
Come on baby, don't fear the reaper.   
Baby take my hand.   
Don't fear the reaper.   
We'll be able to fly.  
  
  
"Pansy!" Pansy jumped the image of her and Ginny's bloodied body vanished.  
  
"What?" She snapped, twisting in her chair, to look at the bastard who had disturbed her. Draco stood behind her, looking amused.  
  
"Are you going to dinner or not?" he asked.  
  
"No," Pansy replied shortly, giving him a disgusted look, then turning back around. She felt a black, poisonous hate steal over her heart. She never in a million years imagined that she one day would be hating Draco Malfoy of all people, the boy she had loved more than she loved herself.  
  
"Are you sure?" he asked now. Something in his voice made her turn around again. She looked at him cautiously, her beady hazel eyes narrowed suspiciously. But the suspicious disappeared and the hate disappeared when she saw the concern in his grey eyes. She swallowed and found herself wanting to smile. Then the memory of Ginny came rushing back over her and she sneered at him.  
  
"Of course, I'm sure, Draco," she replied coldly. Draco stiffened, and stared at her for a moment longer. Then he turned and was gone.  
  
  
Valentine is done, here but now they're gone.   
Romeo and Juliet are together in eternity....   
Romeo and Juliet…Forty thousand men and women everyday...like Romeo and Juliet... Forty thousand men and women everyday...   
  
  
  
Pansy watched him go, wishing she hadn't been so cruel. She shook her head, clearing it.   
  
What the fuck is wrong with you? She asked herself.  
  
Everything, another Voice replied. This Voice was somehow calculating and malious. Pansy wanted to shrink away from it, but the Voice was part of her and she damn well better listen to it. Because it spoke the truth. The Voice began to speak again. And Pansy listened eagerly.  
  
Another forty thousand coming everyday... we can be like they are  
  
Come on baby, don't fear the reaper. Baby, take my hand... Don't fear the reaper  
We'll be able to fly.   
Don't fear the reaper.   
  
  
She walked to the kitchens quietly. The Voice had told her where the door to the kitchen was, and about the picture of the fruit bowl. She came to this door and stood outside it for a moment, wondering if this was the right thing to do.  
  
Of course it is, Pansy, the Voice replied soothingly. Pansy nodded and tickled the pear. It let out a high-pitched little giggle and then turned into a door handle. Pansy opened the door using this handle, grinning to herself. She stepped into the kitchen and hundreds of little house elves came running over to her.  
  
"Can we help you, Miss?" they all asked in their squeaky, annoying voices.   
  
"I need  
  
(the reaper, im just like juliet)  
  
a knife," Pansy said, "Preferably a butcher knife." The elves frowned curiously, but one hurried off and got the knife for her. Pansy took it, gave the elves a disdainful glance, and left quickly. She tucked the knife into her robes, so if she saw anyone, or if anyone saw her, she would not have to explain why she was carrying around a butcher knife  
  
As it was, as she was turning a corner, she walked right into…Harry Potter of all people.  
  
"Oh. Hello, Pansy," Harry said, rather stiffly. He was probably remembering how she and her friends had poked fun at his girlfriend, Hermione Granger.   
  
"Harry," Pansy replied, just as formally.   
  
"I didn't see you at dinner," Harry said, looking at her with an unreadable expression.  
  
"What's it to you?" Pansy snapped back, scowling at him. Harry only blinked.  
  
"Nothing, I suppose. I was just curious," he shrugged.   
  
"Yes, well, I want nothing to do with the likes of you, Harry Potter," Pansy retorted coldly, her eyes flashing.  
  
"I thought not," Harry said, his unnaturally green eyes looking at her with honest concern.  
  
"Are you all right?" he asked after a long, awkward pause.  
  
"Why d'you ask?" she replied, frowning. Harry shrugged again.  
  
"I knew how much you liked Malfoy and—"  
  
"His name is Draco," Pansy cut in, gritting her teeth.  
  
"Of course," Harry said mildly. There was another pause.  
  
"I have to be going," Pansy informed Harry. Harry stared at her, considering.  
  
"Huh," was all he said.  
  
"I have something important I have to do." Harry didn't seem to want to let her go. He seemed to think she was going to hurt herself. She wasn't of course. She would be freeing herself.  
  
"Tell Hermione I said hello," she told Harry haughtily.  
  
"I'm sure she'll be pleased," Harry grinned. Pansy stared at him for a few moments. Harry was awfully cute when he smiled. It made his whole face light up with some interior light. His eyes sparkled. Pansy found herself wanting to smile right along with Harry…but caught herself in time.  
  
Just what the fuck d'you think you're doing, Pansy Parkinson? Standing here and talking Harry Potter, of all people. Honestly, Parkinson, do you have no shame?  
  
"Goodbye, Harry," she said shortly. She turned to leave and was halfway down the corridor when Harry called her.  
  
"Pansy!"  
  
"What?" she snapped, turning back around. Harry stood there, not smiling anymore, his hands not in his pockets, but on his hips, his inky black hair hanging over his eyes.   
  
"Are you sure you're all right?" he asked again. Pansy heard the concern in his voice and felt her heart lift. Someone cared. Someone actually cared. She almost smiled, but once again caught herself. This was Harry Potter, after all. Her mortal enemy.   
  
"I am fine, Potter. Leave me the fuck alone," she told him sharply. Harry took a tentative step forward and Pansy knew he wanted to help her. She saw herself taking the knife out of her robe pocket, striding over to where Harry stood and slitting his throat. She saw herself watching Harry as he crumpled to the floor, blood spurting in a steady stream from his neck.   
  
"No, you're not," Harry whispered, his voice soft. She jerked herself out of her daydream and stared at Harry in disbelief. She had never met anyone in her life so determined to help her. She'd never met anyone so determined, period.  
  
"Why are you trying to help me, Potter? So you can be on everyone's good side? It won't fucking work. So get it through your goddamn thick skull that not everyone wants to be saved, you fucking shit," Pansy informed him brusquely, hating everything about him that very moment.  
  
"All right," Harry replied, looking surprised by her outburst and a bit hurt as well, "All right."  
  
"Damn straight," Pansy said, irritated with his stupidity. She turned then and walked away. Away from that damn fool Harry who thought he knew  
  
(forty thousand men and women everyday)  
  
everything about her. Who thought he could help her. As if.  
  
  
  
Romeo and Juliet…Forty thousand men and women everyday...like Romeo and Juliet... Forty thousand men and women everyday...   
Another forty thousand coming everyday... we can be like they are  
Come on baby, don't fear the reaper. Baby, take my hand... Don't fear the reaper  
  
  
Pansy sat on her bed, thinking. She remembered that day; the horrible, numbing Draco had broken up with her. The day Pansy had found she had lost part of herself.   
  
He had come up to her dormitory in the morning and they had fooled around quite a bit before breakfast. Then they had gone down to the common room and people had spoken to them; it had been the start of a very promising day. Draco had left to go to breakfast without her, but Pansy had found nothing odd about that, Draco liked to eat by himself. She had gone up after him a few moments later, only to find he was gone. She had been suspicious then, but had tried to push the suspicion away. She had succeeded, until dinner. She had not seen Draco all day and began to get a little worried. She had asked the other Slytherins if they had seen him. None of them had. Blaise Zabini had laughed at Pansy.  
  
"Draco finally got smart and ran off on you, has he?" Blaise had said, laughing. Pansy had scowled and walked away, hearing their laughter, all their laughter; that was all she ever heard anymore, laughter, laughter all the fucking time.  
  
"Fuck you, you goddammed whore, " she'd hissed. Blaise had looked at her, startled. She'd glowered at Blaise as they stood there, the other Slytherin's whispering amongst themselves. She'd pictured taking out her wand and cursing Blaise Zabini with a curse her daddy had shown her, a curse that would slowly rip off you limbs one by one. She'd pictured the blood spurting everywhere and over everyone and she heard Blaise's screams of pain and horror, her face terrified and in terrible agony.   
  
Then the image faded as Blaise spoke.  
  
"Bitch. I'm not the whore around here. You're the one dating Draco Malfoy. So fuck off, " she'd snapped. Pansy took a step closer to Blaise, so they were two inches apart and almost nose-to-nose.  
  
"You want to repeat that?" Pansy had whispered, wanting an excuse to use her curse on this slut. Blaise opened her mouth to reply…and then she looked into Pansy's eyes and must not have liked what she saw, for she suddenly backed away.  
  
"I have…to go…" she'd muttered and turned and left the room as quickly as she could.  
  
"Dickfuck, " Pansy hissed, watching Blaise retreat, her hazel eyes narrowed hatefully.  
  
After that, the house hours passed slowly. She'd sat in her room for basically the whole day, waiting for Draco to get back from wherever the hell he'd gotten to.  
  
And he did come to her. And when he did, Pansy wished he'd stayed away.  
  
He came in, looking very solemn.  
  
"Draco?" Pansy had asked, concerned for him, "Are you all right?"   
  
"Er…well, Pansy…" he began, running a hand through his silver hair. And suddenly, Pansy knew what was coming. She refused to accept it, though.  
  
"Yes, Draco?"  
  
"Er…well, I was thinking that maybe…erm, you and I should  
  
(come on baby, don't fear the reaper. baby, take my hand... don't fear the reaper)  
  
maybe take some time apart. I mean—"  
  
  
"You mean you've found someone else, don't you?" Pansy had cut in, harshly. Draco looked at her in frank surprise. And faint relief.  
  
"Well…yes." he admitted reluctantly. Pansy scowled; Draco had been stripped of his usual coolness and composure, only to be replaced by timidness and reluctance. Draco Malfoy was not a reluctant person.  
  
"Who?" Pansy asked, with a calm that she did not feel. Now Draco ducked his head, looking sheepish. It was a long time before he replied.  
  
"Ginny Weasley."  
  
"WHAT?" Pansy shot up, she'd fully expected him to say Blaise Zabini or Millicent Bulstrode, anyone but Ginny Weasley.   
  
"Yeah…it's weird. It's just…I don't think she's such a bad person. She's really nice and sweet, now that she's not obsessed with Potter anymore—"  
  
"It's more than weird, Draco Malfoy. It's downright disgusting. You've hated Ginny and those people ever since the train ride to Hogwarts in our first year. When Ron Weasley laughed at your name. I don't know what the fuck has gotten into you, Draco, but I don't like it. I'm not that upset about you breaking up with me (that was a lie, of course), but breaking up with me for Ginny Weasley of all people, Draco, get your fucking head checked, " Pansy snapped, sitting on the bed and looking at Draco, while he stood beside her, looking at her, completely shocked and for once, speechless. He hadn't replied, only turned and left the room. Pansy had been left, sitting on her bed, in a black fury.  
  
  
  
Don't fear the reaper.   
Baby I'm your man...  
All our times have come. Here, but now they're gone.  
  
  
And now, two days, later, she was sitting on her bed again, holding the butcher knife and scowling at it.  
  
This is the right thing, Pansy. You and I both know it, the Voice whispered. Pansy nodded.  
  
"Of course. I'll finally be free, " she told the Voice.  
  
Yes, yes, you'll be free, Pansy. Now do it now, before anyone comes in.   
  
Pansy lowered the knife to her wrist and cut vertically along the vein, watching as blood began to ooze from her left wrist. She cut all the way up to her elbow, and then did the same to her right arm. She stared at her wrists; fascinated by the way the blood flowed from the woods. A rage suddenly built up inside her and she slashed at her wrists, cutting horizontally. Now she had a series of T's on her lower arms.   
  
  
Came the last night of sadness, and it was clear she couldn't go on.   
And the door was opened and the wind appeared. The candles blew then disappeared.   
  
  
She sat like that for a long time, feeling dizzy from loss of blood. Black was beginning to fade in and out and she was aware that she didn't have long.  
  
She began to giggle, a hysterical, insane little giggle that would have chilled Draco, Harry, and Blaise's blood had the three been around to hear it.  
  
  
  
The curtains flew and then he appeared. Sayin don't be afraid. Come on baby. And she had no fear.   
  
  
She lay back in her bed, almost gone now, but still conscious that the Voice was quiet. It must be satisfied.   
  
"I'm not hurting myself. I'm freeing myself, " she whispered weakly. She closed her eyes then, and invited the black to sweep her Away.  
  
  
And she ran to him, and they started to fly. They looked backward and said goodbye.   
She had become like they are… she had taken his hand… she had become like they are.   
Come on baby, don't fear the reaper.   
  
~end~ 


End file.
